*Sigh

I wish I could figure out why I am feeling so depressed and hopeless.

It sucks.

SIMS

I spent like 4 hours building my house, and decorating it, and getting my people to like each other... and then a thunderstorm came in the real world, and my power surged and I LOST IT ALL!!

I should have saved.... waaaaaaaaa!!!

So then I started watching TrueBlood on HBO. Not a good thing for a Sunday viewing. (actually not good for ANY DAY) But I watched all the episodes they had ON DEMAND, and decided that I don't really like it that much and don't want to watch the second season. It reminded me of "Dexter".... only with Fangs.... I liked "Dexter" but it bothered me that I liked it because it is very dark and disturbing....... so I quit watching it.

It was definitely ingrained in my head because I dreamed bloody dreams all night. Ick.

I took that pic!

So it's Friday and I am exhausted and cannot wait to go home and relax. Last night Lisa and I went to dinner at Edo Japan and then to a movie "Knowing". First we went to the Disgusting Brother's concert, but our coworker, Phil, who is in the band, was sick with the flu so he was not playing. We listened to a couple of songs and then left.

The movie was ok. I thought it was interesting, but it could have been better. I hated the end.

So, stupid as I am, I looked for, and found "A" on FB. He just put a profile on there within the past 2 days. Using a photo that "I" took of him when we were in PR.

And seeing it, made me depressed and sick to my stomach.... and then mad at myself for being depressed and sick to my stomach. It's like... "Why did I just do this to myself?" Why is it so hard to just let go once and for all? Forever? For good?

I don't want him back either. I just.............. don't know............. what............. I .................. want.

I miss him, kinda.

But not really.

Oh, whatever. Get over it already!!!

Da Plane --- it left!

And we were not on it! Yet another tribute to my approaching senility and brain fog. David and I missed our flight to Vermont. Not by minutes... but by a whole freaking day! The itinerary said "Tues, June 16 at 12:50am" and in my mind I was thinking we had to be at the airport around 11pm -- on TUESDAY. But I was thinking TUESDAY NIGHT. We should have been there on MONDAY NIGHT.

What a mess. No flights available for us on standby, and if we tried to fly today it would be nearly $900 per person.

As it is...... when I go to rebook the flight they will charge me an ADDITIONAL $200 per ticket because we "no-showed".

I'm just sick. Man... I have had medical bills, car repairs, money draining out of my account like a faucet. And now this. And Michael is wanting my car when he gets his license. I did promise it to him and he has been paying me every month for like 2 years so I feel I should hold up my part of the deal. But that means I need to buy another car and I am not sure if I can afford the payments.

Maybe now is the time for me to live on some of my food storage.

YUM Tuna Melt

I have been eating tuna melts lately. They are so good... and mine is actually good FOR you. Here is the recipe:

2 slices of Orowheat Low calorie Whole wheat bread.

Tuna mixed with very little mayo, or olive oil, or whatever you like.

Sliced Tomato

Sliced cheddar

Sliced cucumbers

salt and pepper to taste (if desired)

Toast the bread. Spread on the tuna and put half a slice of cheese over the tuna. Stick under a broiler until the cheese melts. Top with a thin slice of tomato and several slices of cucumber.

YUM-O!!!!!

You can put a whole slice of cheese, whatever suits you. Use whatever bread you want. But this is my lower calorie version. Cucumber and tuna taste amazingly good together.

pretty

My friend Jan took this pic. I like it.

It has been extremely busy at work. Which is a good thing. But also a stressful thing. It aggravates the pain in my neck (no, I'm not talking about my boss!)

I've been dreaming about "A" lately. And his name keeps popping up everywhere. And I miss him. But...... I don't want him back.

I need somebody else.

But I am tired of being alone and I really want to get into a relationship with SOMEBODY soon.

I miss being "in love"............

But for now, I will just be content, I guess.

Attended a baptism Saturday

My friend Lisa's little grandson was baptized by Father Rob on Saturday. The couple on the left are his godparents and the couple on the right are his real parents.

He was just so good, and Father dumped the entire pitcher of water over that kids head! LOL

There was a brunch after but I did not attend because I was stressed out with personal stuff.

I hit the 30 mark!

Brian gave me an exercise bike for Christmas. I have had to use it a little at a time... literally starting out at just FIVE minutes at a time. Otherwise I end up hurting because I have so many muscular problems.

Last night I did it for 35 minutes and that was doing a mountain type of program (up and down hills).

35 minutes may not seem like much to anybody else... but look it is already 6 months into the year and that is how long it took me to get here!

I consider it an accomplishment! Woo hoooooo!

Next goal to reach will be to do an hour. Hopefully it won't take me another 6 months to get there.

My pain doc wants me to start physical therapy which I will do after I get back from Vermont.

I JUST LOVE THIS SHOW!

This show is cancelled.... and it was only around for one season, but I have that one season on DVD and I just love it! It reminds me SO much of my highschool days. (I was a geek who crossed over to a freak so I identify with the main character Lindsay).

Now that all the "season finales" of my fav shows have taken place, there is nothing on TV anymore so I am hoping I will get OUT of the habit of being a couch spud.

David and I leave for Vermont on the 16th. Looking forward to seeing my dad again. Looking forward to showing David around the little town where I grew up. He's in for a mega culture shock. LOL.

My town has NO stoplights. And only 2 main paved roads. My dad has no shower (just a tub), no garbage disposal in the sink, no dishwasher, no internet, no computer, no dvd player, no VCR player.... He does have cable but not extended cable. Just basic.

Hee hee hee David is just gonna not know what to do with himself for the week.

Another Girl on the Way!

So my sweetie niece is having baby # 4 and she's a girl! (Already has 2 girls and one boy). This baby looks JUST LIKE her other ones. This is like the coolest ultrasound I've ever seen. Even has Chris' profile!

They picked out a really pretty name too --- Afton Elise-Victoria R-----. (for privacy purposes, no last name)

Just really coooool.

There is a saying..........

"Alone, but not lonely.

Lonely, but in a crowd."

That was a poster hanging in a classroom at my highschool years ago. I remember sitting there reading it over and over and over. At the time, it described me very well.

These days....... I'm still struggling with missing being in a relationship. This past weekend was soooo hard for me because I ALMOST contacted somebody I shouldn't.

It took a lot of self talk to get me through it and not do it.

Somebody I know made the comment to me "I can't believe you're still not married!" I can't believe it either actually. I really expected after my divorce I'd be remarried within 3 years at the most.

It's been 6 years.

Part of me wants to.......... but part of me is happy being my own boss, and doing my own thing. Part of me is scared out of my mind that I will get hooked up with the WRONG sort of person (AGAIN!!) and so I am too scared to even date right now. I was soooooo sure that "A" was the "right one" despite all his flaws............

I mean, nobody is perfect right??? I know I will never find Mr. Perfect.

But "A" and I had such a close connection and I miss that more than anything else. I've never had that with anybody else and I don't know that I ever will. And I WANT THAT.

But, right now I still feel like I need to work on myself and get my health improved (it's better than it was, so that is good). I also want to get my finances in better shape. (I do kick myself repeatedly because of all the $$$ I gave to "A").

Let me rephrase that --- "all the $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ I gave to "A").

We learn from our mistakes. I graduated from that one with a PhD.

I guess that I will just plug along.... that's all I can do for now.

Think POSITIVE.

Michael's Burger Creation

Michael created a new burger last night. He grated two apples into 1 pound of ground beef. Added extra sharp cheddar cheese and made two huge patties.

He glazed them with maple syrup and grilled them. Meanwhile, he took apple rings and carmelized them in syrup. Then he toasted some onion buns. He put raddichio and baby lettuce on the bun, then the burger. Topped that with bleu cheese and some raspberry walnut dressing and the apple rings.

He said it was THE BEST burger he ever ate.

I say.......... it sounds............ kind of interesting..... I think I'd omit the bleu cheese.