Been a heck of a week.....

Last week my brother-in-law Ralph died. I'm not all broken up about it because I never met him. But I do email his wife frequently which is George's sister. So I do feel bad for her. And he seemed like a really sweet man.

My friend and coworker had a pulmonary embolism and could have died. She spent 5 days in the hospital. That was scary.

My other friend, and coworker lost her father on Friday. This is doubly sad because she lost her mother only a couple of months ago.

Another friend is having trouble with her heart. And her husband just got a job in North Dakota and moved away and didn't really say he wanted her to join him. Her father just died a couple months ago. Her mother is screwed up in a nursing home.

Another friend has a family member addicted to meth and this family member tried to OD yesterday at her house. Had to call 911.

And then......... the plane above. Yet ANOTHER coworker who I work closely with, had his mom, dad and sister in that plane. They survived only by the goodness of good samaritans who saw it happen and rushed to pull them out of the burning wreckage. All three broke their back and are in critical condition in area hospitals.

My company is having really horrible problems. Threats have been made against it. We had to install cameras inside and outside of the building.

Hurricanes headed toward Hawaii last week and I was stressed out about George and his safety. Thankfully his island just got some wind and rain but nothing major.

My son broke up with his girl. I know his heart is breaking. He has secluded himself in his mancave and that makes me nervous.

Robin Williams passed away. Suicide. Depression. Very tragic and sad and shocking.

My sweet sis in law had to start chemo AGAIN. And they are planning to move across country. I can't imagine what she is going through.

And my son and his wife and my unborn grandbaby moved away.... which is a happy thing in some ways but also a sad thing in other ways. I just wish we were only a couple hours drive away.

Wow.

Lots of crap.

Let's hope it gets better soon. Not sure how much more of this I can take. I know that most of it does not directly affect me. But I feel the pain of others. If I know my son is hurting... I feel it. If I know my daughter-in-law is homesick and scared....  I feel for her. If I know that coworkers are in shock and dealing with horrific events.... I put myself in their shoes and I feel the pain. I try not to, but it is my nature to be like that.

I worry about my job. I worry about my health. I am just a worrier. Like my mom. Heaven help me. LOL.

It will get better. I'm sending positive vibes to the universe. And many, many prayers to the heavens for all of these people.

Losing my (coupon) virginity

the cart at checkout

25% off my bill

the rewards

Last night I ventured to my local Walmart. I chose Tuesday because they double coupons up to $1 on that day. I had my stack of coupons, my list, and my hope that I would have a successful trip and save some money off my bill.

My expectations were not too high. I knew that based on ads and prices and coupons, I did not have the "extreme" advantage of getting $500 worth of stuff for $15. That takes practice.

But I bought items that I use. Because I still don't understand people who buy 100 dog collars just because they are "free" and they don't get a dog....

I also don't want a ton of junk food.

I did do a great deal on cereal. Walmart prices are really low on cereal anyway... so having cents off coupons and doubling them made most of my cereal boxes end up a dollar or a dollar and a half.

My cashier was a young man who informed me he was "new". I thought "uh oh... we are in for a good time." I told him it was my first time using coupons. He said he was up to the challenge.

I told him that I was told that walmart doubles the coupons and he wasn't sure about that (being new and all). But it worked out.

He was extremely slow scanning the coupons which made the line behind me get a bit annoyed. I tried to go late at night (well... 9pm is late for me) but there was still a LOT of people in the store.

Next time maybe I go at 6 am.

Anyhow, I ended up saving 25% on my bill. I know this because when I got home, David took my receipt and added everything up on his calculater. Oddly enough, the receipt does NOT give me a total on how much money my coupons saved so we had to do that manually.

I had around $168 worth of items which ended up being about $132 in the end.

For my first time.......... I think that was a success.

Now..........in search of bigger and better!!!

I waste a lot

Money doesn't grow on trees.

I spend more than I should on dumb things.

I started watching Extreme Coupons and thought those people were insane.

Who needs 100 bottles of barbecue sauce? 200 jars of spaghetti sauce? Ten years supply of toothpaste?

Not me.

BUT.... there are things I use that it would be nice to use coupons for.

So, I am starting out small. I bought my binder.... I signed up for a bunch of online coupon sites. I now claim the Sunday newspaper with all the ads and coupons that we get delivered at work. (Nobody ever looks at it. It gets thrown in the garbage every week).

I will NOT do dumpster diving.
I will NOT buy hundreds of anything.
I will NOT come away with a semi truck load from the grocery store.

But.......... we want to build/buy a house. And unless I really cooperate in making this happen and take it seriously........ it never will come to pass.

So............ I am starting now. Let's see what happens.

It's been awhile..........

I actually forgot I have a blog.

Not that anybody reads it anyway. I use it mostly to release frustrations, or celebrate joy. Whenever the mood strikes.

Guess I haven't been too moody lately.

Actually I've had another bout of back trouble and right now I'm on steroids (Methylprednisolone). I read the side effects and nearly chucked the whole box into the trash. But so far, so good. I actually LIKE how it makes me feel. I have tons of energy and my back pain has gone from a 7.9 to a 1. So that is awesome.

Work has been, well, shall we say stressful. More stressful than usual. Had a caller last week who was enraged and claimed that he invested his life savings in our stock and lost everything and he was so mad he threatened to come down here. So we called the cops who told us to take it seriously because these days you never know if someone will come with guns blazing or a bomb. So we all got sent home. Since then we have had an armed security guard on site. Dang.... not good.

I got hooked on the show "Cake Boss". I'm one of those people who do marathons of a show.... and I have watched 10 seasons in 2 weeks. I'm now starting to get a little sick of Buddy. He has turned into an arrogant prick. Fame has gone to his head. He isn't as nice anymore... or maybe 10 seasons of him has just taken its toll on my nerves. Either way.......... I'm done with it for now.

My newest grandbaby is an absolute doll. My golly I love being a grandma. My soon-to-be newest grandbaby is a girl who I love already just looking at her ultrasound picture. But I won't get to know her as well as I want to because her mommy and daddy are moving to San Francisco in a couple weeks. Boo hoo. No, I'm really glad for them to have this journey. I'm just sad for ME and that is selfish.

I'm excited to see my kids as they grow and mature and take on all these jobs and responsibilities and become wonderful productive adults. Soon my nest will be empty and that is going to be very very hard on me. I have never, ever, in my life, been alone. NEVER. I'm not sure I can do it.

Anyhow, summer is upon us. But not for long. We are half way through the year already. Time just flies. Too fast. It's scaring me.

Well, time to get back to work. Just wanted to make sure I don't get deleted from the blog world. LOL

Not for me

 Several people in my office got these chairs. I thought maybe I would want one. So I borrowed one to try it out.

Fifteen minutes is all it took for me to decide "NO THANKS!"   My lower back was throbbing and I had shooting pains down my right hip and thigh.  Having had two herniated disks, any kind of pressure on my back has to be carefully played. This was a no-no.

I also did not like that it had no arms. And the back rest is there, but you are told not to use it because it will make your lower back arch in an awkward position.

Not for me. Nope, that's enough of that. Uh Uh.

Such a vicious cycle.....

Car accident caused chronic pain.
Remedy: anti-inflammatory medication to reduce inflammation caused by the injury.
Result: inflammatory disease. Years of taking anti-inflammatories has ruined my digestive system from mouth to colon. Causing ulcers, diverticulosis, strictures, gastritis, gingivitis, arthritis, (any more "itis" ?)

Poor diet: eating too many refined foods and sugar
Remedy: eat whole foods and eliminate processed foods and sugar
Result: aggravates inflammatory bowel disease
Eating healthy, whole foods makes it WORSE not better.

Low residue diet: eating all the stuff that is not good for most people... white rice, white pasta, white bread, canned fruits and vegetables (lower fiber than fresh),
Result: weight gain, fatigue, brain fog, but it makes my inflammation in the colon less.

IBS and IBD are not the same thing.
IBS is much easier to deal with.
IBD.... only gets worse. And can result in some pretty serious complications.
Stress makes it worse.
My life recently (past month) has been HIGHLY stressful. Which explains why I have been so sick with stomach problems.

The pain, the discomfort, the frequent trips to the restroom, are taking a toll on me.
*sigh.
Oh, to be young again.

From my highschool surrogate dad of eons ago.......

"Hi everyone I've been given the death sentence, the doctors said all that can be done is keep me comfortable. They told me there is liquid in my lungs and around the outside of my stomach. 
I have a big mass growing in my belly. There is some other things going on inside of me I don't even understand
In a nut shell its a mess."

Ronnie Simonds was my "other dad" back in highschool. He was the real dad of my best friend Connie. And now.... well..... he's got cancer.

Very sad. I'm sure he is in shock to post that on FB. 
Wish I could do something. 

Holding on.... by a thread

Work is so stressful.
I can't take it.
It's not that I am doing anything wrong.
But other people are.
And it affects me.
And it makes my work impossible to do right.
And it is just such a negative environment.
It is making me ill.
Literally.

It happened again.

I haven't had a full blown panic attack in quite a long time.
I had one Saturday.
It was brought on by the stress of the audit.
It hit me at a moment when I wasn't even thinking of the audit.
I was driving.
On the freeway.
Going 65 mph
It. Was. Terrifying.
I thought I was going to die.
I thought I was going to pass out and slam into the concrete wall.
My heart was pounding. I was dizzy. I felt like I was leaving my body. I had a metallic taste in my mouth (this is normal for me when I get an adrenaline rush), I was cold, clammy, nauseated, freaking out.

I had to pull over when I got off the freeway.

And breathe.

And then I got angry.
Angry that stress can affect me this way.
I didn't want it to.
I tried to chill out and relax on Friday night.
But it was the way my body copes with stress. It just flares into a full blown attack.
It was just horrible.

and then Sunday I was sick as a dog all day.

Got hit with a diverticulitis attack.

My body is at war with itself. Panic ATTACK. Diverticulitis ATTACK.

I want it to stop.

Families are FOREVER

YIppeeeee happy joy joy oh yeah... woo hooo

Georgie gets to come home for a visit in May! I'm so excited!!!!!

I'd rather he come here than me go there. 

Why? Just for cost reasons. 

Be want to try to get to Texas to see his mom this year so we need to travel as cheaply as possible.

Which means if he comes here... we don't need Hotel and Food and Taxi and all that.

So we are doing that.

But I will go to Hawaii again. 

Someday. 

gettin it out of my system.... a little at a time.....

Ugh

I've been craving custard or flan. 

Could not find either one at the grocery store. 

So I bought ALL of the above. 

And I binged.

Oh yeah. 

I binged.

I had icecream, gelato, and cream puffs.

And a massive stomach ache.

But I did feel better. 

LOL

Still trying... slowly but surely....

Let it go...... Let it go..........

It's been a weird day. And I spent my morning crying over spilled milk. Crying over stuff that is stupid and that I really am NOT that upset over. I'm sad, disappointed, but not deep enough to keep bawling. I think I keep bawling because the doctor is messing with my hormones again. When he lowers my estrogen I become a crying basket case. 

I was invited to a family reunion. My EX's family. I still love and care for 98% of them. I wanted to see them.  My EX and I try hard to be civil and get along and I expected no drama whatsoever. 

In fact, I doubt that I would have even SEEN him much. 

But he expressed his objections to my coming. And basically told me not to.

And if I look at it from his point of view. I can see he has valid thoughts. 

I won't say he is RIGHT, but I see his thoughts are valid. 

So I decided not to go. 

{shrug}

Whatever.

No biggie. 

So WHY THE HELL HAVE I SPENT MY MORNING SO UPSET THAT I CRY AT THE DROP OF A HAT?

I'm totally fine with not going. Really. 

I'm hurt that he SAID it out loud that he didn't want me to go. 

It's the whole rejection thing again I guess. You'd think after ten years of divorce I'd be over that.

Apparently not.

It was weighing me down so bad this morning. Just anger, frustration, tears, hurt, disappointment. 

I could not shake it. 

But I have let it simmer. And then I sat here and allowed myself to feel it. 

Just feel it.

Not try to squash it. Or dull it with donuts. Or push it down.

I let myself feel the hurt, the anger, the disappointment. The sadness.

I let myself accept it.

I wrote down my thoughts. 

And then I realized that this isn't as big a deal as I was making it out to be and that I need to just let it go.

LET IT GO. 

So for me, writing is cathartic. 

So I'm writing this down. 

And when I'm done and I hit "publish" that ends the chapter.

That closes the door on this experience.

It's done. 

I'm not going to keep thinking about it or dwell on it. 

I'm not going to wallow in self pity.

Some of those people wanted to see me and they will miss me. 

And for those who don't.... whatever.