It happened again.

I haven't had a full blown panic attack in quite a long time.
I had one Saturday.
It was brought on by the stress of the audit.
It hit me at a moment when I wasn't even thinking of the audit.
I was driving.
On the freeway.
Going 65 mph
It. Was. Terrifying.
I thought I was going to die.
I thought I was going to pass out and slam into the concrete wall.
My heart was pounding. I was dizzy. I felt like I was leaving my body. I had a metallic taste in my mouth (this is normal for me when I get an adrenaline rush), I was cold, clammy, nauseated, freaking out.

I had to pull over when I got off the freeway.

And breathe.

And then I got angry.
Angry that stress can affect me this way.
I didn't want it to.
I tried to chill out and relax on Friday night.
But it was the way my body copes with stress. It just flares into a full blown attack.
It was just horrible.

and then Sunday I was sick as a dog all day.

Got hit with a diverticulitis attack.

My body is at war with itself. Panic ATTACK. Diverticulitis ATTACK.

I want it to stop.

Families are FOREVER

YIppeeeee happy joy joy oh yeah... woo hooo

Georgie gets to come home for a visit in May! I'm so excited!!!!!

I'd rather he come here than me go there. 

Why? Just for cost reasons. 

Be want to try to get to Texas to see his mom this year so we need to travel as cheaply as possible.

Which means if he comes here... we don't need Hotel and Food and Taxi and all that.

So we are doing that.

But I will go to Hawaii again. 

Someday. 

gettin it out of my system.... a little at a time.....

Ugh

I've been craving custard or flan. 

Could not find either one at the grocery store. 

So I bought ALL of the above. 

And I binged.

Oh yeah. 

I binged.

I had icecream, gelato, and cream puffs.

And a massive stomach ache.

But I did feel better. 

LOL

Still trying... slowly but surely....

Let it go...... Let it go..........

It's been a weird day. And I spent my morning crying over spilled milk. Crying over stuff that is stupid and that I really am NOT that upset over. I'm sad, disappointed, but not deep enough to keep bawling. I think I keep bawling because the doctor is messing with my hormones again. When he lowers my estrogen I become a crying basket case. 

I was invited to a family reunion. My EX's family. I still love and care for 98% of them. I wanted to see them.  My EX and I try hard to be civil and get along and I expected no drama whatsoever. 

In fact, I doubt that I would have even SEEN him much. 

But he expressed his objections to my coming. And basically told me not to.

And if I look at it from his point of view. I can see he has valid thoughts. 

I won't say he is RIGHT, but I see his thoughts are valid. 

So I decided not to go. 

{shrug}

Whatever.

No biggie. 

So WHY THE HELL HAVE I SPENT MY MORNING SO UPSET THAT I CRY AT THE DROP OF A HAT?

I'm totally fine with not going. Really. 

I'm hurt that he SAID it out loud that he didn't want me to go. 

It's the whole rejection thing again I guess. You'd think after ten years of divorce I'd be over that.

Apparently not.

It was weighing me down so bad this morning. Just anger, frustration, tears, hurt, disappointment. 

I could not shake it. 

But I have let it simmer. And then I sat here and allowed myself to feel it. 

Just feel it.

Not try to squash it. Or dull it with donuts. Or push it down.

I let myself feel the hurt, the anger, the disappointment. The sadness.

I let myself accept it.

I wrote down my thoughts. 

And then I realized that this isn't as big a deal as I was making it out to be and that I need to just let it go.

LET IT GO. 

So for me, writing is cathartic. 

So I'm writing this down. 

And when I'm done and I hit "publish" that ends the chapter.

That closes the door on this experience.

It's done. 

I'm not going to keep thinking about it or dwell on it. 

I'm not going to wallow in self pity.

Some of those people wanted to see me and they will miss me. 

And for those who don't.... whatever. 

Something's fishy

For years I have needed to consume Omega 3 and 6 for it's heart benefits and anti-inflammatory effects. Many of my doctors and physical therapists told me it would help tremendously with my chronic pain.

So I tried to take the supplements. All I do is burp fish burps all day long. I tried freezing the capsules. That did not work. I took them on full stomach. I took them on an empty stomach. I took them at night before bed. Nothing worked. I could not tolerate the fish burps.

So I tried flaxseed oil. Unfortunately the first bottle I bought was rancid. though I did not know it at the time because I didn't know what it was supposed to taste like. All I knew was that it tasted disgusting. I tried another brand. While it was not rancid, it still had that "flavor" from the rancid bottle.... made me want to heave. So I heaved that bottle in the trash. I tried flaxseed capsules. Didn't agree with me. I tried flaxseeds, that actual seeds -- could not tolerate that either.

Where was I going to find a source for the Omegas that my body desperately needs?

S-A-R-D-I-N-E-S.

I ate sardines a few times as a kid. They were ok. It was fun to gross people out eating them straight out of the can. My dad put them on crackers with peanut butter. (actually tastes good, though it sounds awful).

So I decided to give it a try again.

Guess what? I really, REALLY like them. I can eat a can a day. It makes a meal. I like them straight out of the can. Or mash them up and use them just like tuna fish. Add some avocado, celery, tomato, and mustard and put on a WASA cracker. Or Akmak. Or even whole grain toast.

I have been experimenting with all different brands. Some have a strong smell. Some have no smell. Some have the skin and bones (which are entirely edible). Some are boneless and skinless. But the fact is, that they are LOADED with the good fats. Yet they are very inexpensive. Very filling. And my body is just loving them.

So don't think "ewwwww sardines" until you try them. If you like tuna fish.... you should like sardines. Tastes almost exactly the same as tuna in oil.

We shall see if my body reaps the rewards of the Omegas. I hope so.  And surpisingly it doesn't give me fish burps!!