Peruvian Alfajores

I made these cookies for a Relief Society Cookie Exchange. OOOOH man they are sooo good. They are an almond shortbread biscuit type cookie with a rich caramel filling. Dusted with powdered sugar. I brought a couple to work to share and my friend Brianne, who served a mission in Ecuador, went NUTS over these and told me they were "the best alfajores" she had ever eaten, and she had eaten a LOT of them.

They are a lot of work, but they are worth it. If Fernando still comes to Salt Lake for Christmas, I will make some for him. He may not come because of the weather and road conditions.

I cannot wait for Friday. My neck is so bad..... I just want to cry. I hope this epidural works as well as the last one did.

Saturday musings.....

I went to bed at 11pm last night, and woke up at 5am so I got up and came in to work to use the computer. I really need to get a computer at home that works.

I have been having some really bad neck pain the past week or two and it's been a battle to not turn to the last couple of Lortab I have left. But there is this fear in me that if I open that door, then the monster will come out and grab me. I don't want to go there.

So I started using a "Happy Light" at work. It's made by Verilux. It's supposed to make your brain think it's getting natural sunlight so you are more energized and happier. Well... I am definitely more energized lately. I keep waking up at 4, 5, and 6am bouncing out of bed ready for the day. But mood-wise, I think David would tell ya that I am CRANKY as a bear.

At work, I feel fine. But at home I am feeling so cranky and out of sorts at night. And I'm letting stupid little things get to me (which I hardly ever do), and I am mad at people that I hardly ever get mad at, and it's just weird. I don't think the light has anything to do with my crankiness. I just think I am feeling stressed out because it is the end of the year already and this year has just FLOWN by in a blink of an eye.

Well, I have a lot to do today. I need to bake brownies for a family baptism, and go to the store to get the stuff for broccoli soup, and make it (because it tastes better the next day), and I need to do laundry, and go to the baptism........ My bathroom needs to be cleaned.

I need a maid. Oh, wait. I used to be one. huh.

ahhhhhhh

After three weeks of waiting we learned the results of Karin's biopsy. She has what they called "Pseudo lymphoma" which basically means the thing they cut off her LOOKED like a malignant lymphoma but it was NOT. Whew!

I saw my pain doc today for the last time unless I need more injections. I'm off Lortab. Have been off it since July. I'm trying to just control pain with over the counter stuff. Works most days. I will never be pain free but I have it at a manageable level. I can deal with that.

What's up in Utah......

Image: A sunset in Utah. Taken by my friend Jan.

So what is up these days? Now that I am on Facebook, I feel no need to blog much.

Still, it is a good outlet for letting off steam once in awhile.

I have been off pain medication for 22 days now. It's been tough because I still have the pain, but I am trying to learn to ignore it. Not easy. I went through a couple of weeks of being extremely irritable and cranky. I guess that is part of the withdrawal. Now, don't get me wrong... I was NOT addicted to Lortab. I never, ever abused it. I never took more than I was prescribed (which was 2 per day). In fact, I only took one per day for most of the time.

But I was "dependent" on it. My body was used to it (which is to be expected aftering being on it for more than 5 years) and a couple of things happened. One, it didn't really help with the pain that much anymore, and two, if I didn't take it, I got REALLY irritable.

So, I quit taking it in July after cutting the dose down to basically nothing over the previous month. I do take over-the-counter stuff which doesn't help with the pain, but it takes the edge of slightly.

I'm about to make a lot of changes in my life. I am a couch potato. I come home from work and I am tired and all I want to do is sit and watch game shows. All weekend, I watch game shows. I LOVE game shows. But I get NOTHING done.

I need to save up money for a down payment on a car. My cable/internet/phone bill is $150 per month. I do not use the phone because I have a cell... and right now I haven't got a computer so I don't need internet. And if I cut cable out... I will watch LESS tv and the programs I am hooked to like Lost, Greys and House, I can watch online or something.

It's not forever. It's just to save money for awhile. I think it's a good idea. But I have to make sure my new glasses are the right prescription so that I can do some reading instead of TV.

Either way, I have a zillion dvds so it's not like there is nothing to watch ever.

But I need to get off my duff and start taking care of stuff better. I'm getting fat and lazy.

I have to get surgery for the glaucoma. I have to get to an Ear/Nose/Throat doc and find out if I have polyps in my sinus passages because I can't breathe well and it feels to me like I have rocks up my nose. If so, I need surgery for that.

I need a new car. A gently used one, but I don't feel safe in my Cavalier anymore. And it's costing me too much in maintenance.

Baby steps. It's always about taking small steps. Small steps can bring big changes and I cannot change everything overnight. But I can see progress.

Oh, and I stopped taking Protonix (for my reflux) because the pharmacy/doctors office was messing up my refill, so I ran out, and I have not had time to go over and see if they filled it. So I have been off that for a week. So far, I am doing ok without it. So maybe I don't need that anymore. Yay.

OWIE

Friday morning I had the second epidural injection in my neck. It didn't go as easy at the first. He decided to do it in a different spot and he had difficulty getting into the epidural sac. So he would put in the needle (which feels like a nail), and inject dye, then they take an x-ray to see if it's in the right spot, and it wasn't, so he would have to do it again. He poked me at least 8 times. I was getting claustrophobic and I had a panic attack.





Suddenly I broke out in a sweat, started shaking, felt nauseous, and got real panicky. They stopped the procedure and put ice packs on me, gave me oxygen, and when I was better they proceeded. My blood pressure had dropped a bit too.

When it was over, I went straight home (it was 10am) and slept for about an hour and a half and then I was wide awake til 2am in the morning. I was just WIRED.

This morning I got up and went to the bank, then post office, Costco, Walmart, Albertsons, and went home to try to nap, but couldn't. Its weird, my neck is not in a lot of pain -- it is tender and hurts a bit, but not as bad as before, but the strange thing is that I am having difficulty swallowing. It hurts my esophagus to swallow or burp. There is a heavy pressure on it.

I hope that goes away soon.

City in the Clouds.....

I think this is a really cool photo. I'd call it "City in the Clouds" or "Heaven's Suburb"....

Utah had ground fog like this the other day and as David and I drove to school we saw a condo complex that looked just like this.

This is also a cool photo. I love ice. I don't like driving in it, but I think there is a magical quality to ice sculptures and ice in general.

So seeing the bottom of this pier is just really neat.

Today is Friday and even though I have a ton of work to do and it's so quiet here because half the people are gone... I just can't focus and get anything done. I'm dilly dallying around and it's making me crazy. Pam and Polly and I are heading out at 4pm to go see the opening of "The Haunting in Connecticut" and then I can go home and watch something funny so I can sleep tonight. LOL. I don't know why I do that to myself but I just love scary movies. I don't like some of them, but I do like the more mild ones.

My ear is sending shooting, sharp pains through my ruptured eardrum. (Yep, it IS definitely ruptured).

I found a new Primary care physician. I am NOT going back to St. Mark's family practice. They seem to screw up EVERYTHING that I go to them for. I have coworkers who recommended this new doc who is located in the medical building at Pioneer Hospital. I still prefer to get any tests, surgeries, procedures, etc... done at St. Mark's hospital because they are wonderful at the hospital. But just everyday simple doctor stuff can be done at the new office.

And I still have my pain doctor at St. Mark's Pain center. He's good and I will stick with him. I do think I am going to save up money to go back to Master Lu for accupuncture again. When I went to him, I had 10 treatments and did not need a pain pill for 6 months. When I went to Dr. Kris for accupuncture I spent the same amount of money and it did absolutely NOTHING at all. I believe Master Lu knows his stuff better even though I can't understand a word he says. He speaks with a heavy Chinese accent.

Well, the boss is heading over here. Gotta look busy.

keeping fingers crossed

I had my cervical spine epidural on Friday. They gave me 10 mg of valium under my tongue because they wanted me relaxed, but not asleep. (I thought they were putting me out for this, but found out no). The gal who was trying to start an IV in me was dropping things all over the floor... and she blew my veins TWICE. She acted like she had never done this before. (Maybe she hasn't?) so she finally called in the other nurse who got it in on the first stick with no problem.

They had me sit there for a few minutes and kept asking me if I was "feeling the Valium" yet and I kept saying "No" because I didn't feel any different.

I have a high tolerance to medications so I really wasn't expecting to feel anything weird. We went in to the procedure room and they got me up on the table. I had to lay face down with my chest propped up on pillows and my head hanging down with my forehead on another pillow. It took some manuvering to get me in the right position. But we got it. The doctor, the nurses, the x-ray tech, and everybody came in and they all kept asking me "So are you feeling the valium yet?" I kept telling them "No... I feel just the same."

They had the radio on in there and so the doctor started singing and then he said, "Well, you're not laughing hysterically so I think you ARE feeling the Valium." I said, "Why would I laugh? You have a nice singing voice." and everybody laughed and the doctor said, "Ok. now I KNOW she's feeling the valium. Let's begin."

I honestly didn't feel like I was feeling any different. But whatever.

So they washed off the area with betadine and then they draped me and that is where I had a bit of a problem because I am claustrophobic and I forgot to tell them that so I am laying there face down with my head covered.... I tried not to panic. I just closed my eyes and kept reminding myself it was only going to be about 15 to 20 minutes and I could handle it....

It hurt quite a bit when they put the needle in. Sort of feels like a NAIL going into your spine. If anybody has had an epidural with a birth, you know what I mean.... imagine that feeling in your neck.

They injected the stuff and it was a burning hot sensation that was not pleasant, and freaked me out for a second. I told them it was really hot and he said "That's normal. It will go away in a minute." And it did.

Then, I was done and they took me back to another room where I got dressed and they gave me cookies and sprite and had me sit so they could take my vital signs for about 20 minutes.

Suddenly my LEFT arm got all numb and tingly. My thumb and my fingers were numb and it was numb half-way up my arm. I told the nurse and she looked like "Uh-oh" and she left. But when she came back, she said the doctor said it was normal and from the position I was laying in on the table and if it didn't get better before I left, then he would come in. But about 10 minutes later it was back to normal.

My friend Lisa picked me up and drove me home. I got home at 10 am. I immediately went to bed and I slept until 6:30pm.!!!! David made me some mac n cheese and then I went back to sleep at 7:30 and slept clear through til 8am the next morning! I also slept most of the day Saturday. My neck area feels like I got hit by a truck, but I think the medicine is starting to work now because I haven't needed any Lortab.

I hope this is the magic bullet that helps me get my life back.

Well, I have managed to shower today, and write this, but now I am tired again so I am going to lay down.

To Say I am NERVOUS... is an understatement....

The MRI I had showed that I have stenosis and compression in the C-3 area of my neck. So I am scheduled for a cervical epidural injection on March 6th.

If you want to read about the procedure and what it involves, click on the link above.

It has a 50-70% success rate. So odds are so-so.

I am PRAYING this works.

Botox for Pain

Friday I received my first 10 Botox injections in my shoulders. The injections themselves were not that bad despite the fact that I am sure that needle was 5 inches long. But the injections actually make you hurt MORE for about 5 days before they make you feel better. I'm still tender there.

Dr. Byrd sprayed a topical anesthetic on the skin to the injections would not hurt as much. He told me to avoid breathing it in as I might "lose a few brain cells". But I couldn't help but inhale some of it (I had to breathe!) and whew! I was flying high let me tell ya! I don't know what it was called but a person could get addicted to huffing that stuff real fast.

It's good that I am not into that sort of thing.

Tomorrow morning I get my cervical MRI. Tomorrow night I might go to a temple session with Karin and Brett.

Friday night my gal pals and I went to see "Gran Torino". Despite the fact that it employs every racist word known to man (and several I DIDN'T KNOW) it was one of the BEST movies I have ever seen. I laughed and laughed. And I cried and cried. I can't wait for it to come out on DVD. I want it.

It was REALLY excellent and I hope Clint Eastwood gets an award.

Well, I came in to work early today to actually WORK. So I better get busy before all the rest of the gang comes in.

Ciao.

Check this out!

That was my car buried in Vermont over the Christmas holiday. The picture doesn't do it justice. There was so MUCH snow EVERYWHERE. I shoveled for HOURS. I don't know how my dad, who is 77 and in poor health, manages to survive there.

Back to work today. Sort of. I had to come in late because I was STILL waiting for the oven repairman to come fix my oven. I have not been able to bake since BEFORE Thanksgiving! For me, a person who bakes 4 times a week or more... it's been horrible. Anyhow they gave me a window of coming between 9am and Noon. He showed up at ten minutes to noon. So... I got to work about 12:45 and planned to work late but it just started snowing here and the roads are looking bad. Everybody at work bugged out early (including all the management). There are about 4 of us left here right now. I am going to leave soon though.

So, I have had only 3 pain pills in 3 weeks. Since I was taking 2 per day, that means that I have had 3 pills instead of 42! Wow! Woo hoo for me.

Now don't get me wrong.... I still hurt. But I am trying to live with the pain as best as I can. It just REALLY bothered me that my doc treated me like an addict. I guess I needed to prove to her and to myself that I am NOT. I have not had any type of withdrawal symptoms at all. I do take Advil, but that's non narcotic so I am fine taking that.

I went to Church yesterday for the whole 3 hours and did not even have any Advil. That's amazing.

Well, I am heading out. So I will discuss the impending death of my neighbor's daughter that is coming up another day. It's a long story, but a touching one.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The day after I got to Vermont, we received 2+ feet of snow.

Two days later we got another foot. My car was completely buried.... only the mirrors were sticking out (I have a photo that I will get on here eventually).

It took several days to shovel out. So dad and I were "snowed in" literally for most of the time I was there. It was hard work... he burns a wood stove for heat so I had to shovel a path to the woodpile several times... take the wheel barrow out and push it through the snow.... load it up with wood, push it back to the house, haul the wood in the house and stack it, and repeat. Over and over.

I don't know how my dad, at age 77, in his poor health, does it every day. He can carry in two armfuls of wood, but then has to sit for 10 minutes because his back and knees are in excruciating pain.

Speaking of pain.... I have only had TWO -- count em... TWO pain pills in the past 2 weeks. I cleaned my dads house top to bottom, I hauled wood, I shoveled a TON of snow, but I did not have pain bad enough to take a pill. (so ha! take that Dr. Holtye who thinks I am a drug seeker. I'm NOT.)

I see the pain management doc on Jan. 14 and I am excited to do so. I feel good about this place. They are going to put me in physical therapy again and hopefully find a non-narcotic med that will help me with the pain issues. I had an hour long intake interview on Monday and the gal was one of the nicest people I have ever talked to. We really hit it off.

I got David a Wii for Christmas and that gives a GREAT workout. I love it. Brian bought me an INCREDIBLY cool recumbant bike which has not arrived yet, but when it does, I start exercising on that and I am so excited to do so!

2009 is the year to watch me SHRINK. I am already eating WAY better than ever and moving around more than ever. I feel good about the changes and hope I keep em up!

New Year Resolutions

I leave for Vermont the day after tomorrow. I will not have access to a computer until I return on Dec. 29th so Merry Christmas to my readers!

Next year I will begin a journey. Kind of a rebirth I guess. I need to make a lot of changes in my life.

I saw my doctor today and apparently because I get pain medication from her AND I got pain medication after my surgery in September, red flags went up all over the place and they accused me of "double dipping". I assured her it wasn't what she thought and I was not double dosing myself at all. But the office no longer is willing to manage my chronic pain problem and they have referred me to an "Interventional Pain Medicine" doctor. I'm like "INTERVENTIONAL???" Like REHAB??? Do they consider me an addict?? Lordy I hope not. I think of an "addict" as a person who abuses drugs to get a high. I admit I am DEPENDENT on my pain meds. I have to have them to function. If I don't take them I am in a LOT of pain. But I don't take more than two per day. I do not consider that abuse. I take one in the morning. One in the afternoon. And I try to take over the counter stuff BEFORE I take the prescription because if I CAN manage the pain with it, then I'm happy to do so.

Well, truth be told, I would like nothing better than to get OFF pain medication. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. But I know it's going to be a rough process and not a lot of fun. I know I will need to come here to vent my feelings a lot. Writing is therapy for me.

She has told me that I HAVE to lose weight. She wants me back in 4 months and wants 20 pounds off me by then.

So... I am waiting for the pain place to call me to schedule an appt.

All of the treatments I have tried for the past 14 years: physical therapy - Went to 3 different PT's -- the exercise just aggravates the condition. Did not help me. Ran out of money and had to quit.

Massage and Electric Stimulation combined with heat and cold: That helped a lot. But again, I ran out of money and had to quit.

Chiropractics: Went to 3 different chiropractic clinics. I can't get adjusted without being totally doped up on muscle relaxants and I hate them... the adjustments don't feel good to me. I can't relax. And the last one I went to put my neck in traction which made things MUCH worse. Again, ran out of money and had to quit.

Accupuncture - went to two different accupuncture places. The first one worked very well. I did not need a pain pill for 6 months but the guy did not speak english and so I did not like to go there because I don't understand him at all. The second doc spoke english, but I spent $600 and the treatments did NOTHING. Again, ran out of money and had to quit. Was not covered by insurance. I might go back to the chinese guy again. It worked.

Reiki - I am a second level Reiki practicioner. Learned it specifically to do it on myself. But it's not enough.

Meditation - I just fall asleep. I cannot meditate and stay awake.

Other drugs: I have taken Flexeril, and Bextra, Vioxx, Excedrin, 800mg Advil, tylenol, naproxen, all kinds. They caused me to get esophageal stricture which required surgery. I don't want to do that again. I dislike muscle relaxants because they make me absolutely loopy and unable to function.

The Lortab has been the cheapest method of pain management. I take two per day. I am not pain free, but I am able to function. And it's just $10 a month. So that is why I have opted to stick with it. But my doctor is not going to refill it again. And so that is why she is sending me to the pain doc.

I am more than happy to find alternatives. Believe me. But I know I'm going to go through withdrawal because I've taken it for YEARS and my body is used to it.

So, 2009 is my new beginning. My year long makeover. By next Christmas I will be a new woman. I am going to chronicle my journey here. I can always use a cheering section.